Its about a week before my birthday, a sudden gush of anxiety came over me when Mei hui smsed to inform us about the extra 4 bucks we have to fork out for JC's birthday cake. We're celebrating it for her one day in advance, together with the steamboat session tomorrow. I feel really excited turning Nineteen, my mind hopes that some kind soul would celebrate it for me, but ironically, my heart didn't quite match what the mind thinks. i have phobia of almost anything, even my own birthday. Its scary, it keeps coming back especially during this time of the year. I don't want boyfriend to spend so much money just on a birthday yet, i want it to be the most memorable (obviously he'll need to splurge a bit) birthday. I want my friends to plan something for me, yet, i don't want them to spend so much money too, and they all starting work soon... i can understand if they can't fork out time. And the last thing i need is a fake plan, i don't want to start digging up past, I'm suppose to change. I don't know what i want really... just... leave me alone... on my birthday.
Just when i was opening another tab on Mozilla, i saw this news on yahoo homepage: new drug for treating schizophrenia I was only talking about it yesterday luh. Maybe i should say, i shouldn't act like i'm suffering from cancer and wala... the next new discovery might be "new drug to treat cancer, goodbye to chemotherapy." YAY.
Training today was relatively fun and enjoyable, with great companies wonderful things just happen. Everything seems fine and all till we were allocated job location, i don't know... call me calculative, unreasonable, childish, the job location totally turns me off and i feel dejected upon hearing it. I don't even know where I'll be allocated now. Doing sales ain't easy at all, initially i thought we could ignore sales target and just happily take the hourly pay but it's more than that. Everything just turns around and have to go the way i didn't expect, I DIDN'T want it to happen. To make things worst, i couldn't call zehzhanyu and rant out all these rubbish. I.... didn't want to disturb him...
He did text me this morning but i didn't reply.... i didn't want to bother him... if once i start replying him, i know it's gonna be a never ending thing. I really wish he could come and pick me up after training too... like how jingting's boyfriend did... let my dehydrated brain have a place (his shoulders) to rest on but like i said, i didn't want to disturb him... he wouldn't make it all the way here either, he's at chalet. So i swallowed all these nonsense and took a train ride home with ting and ping. I needed to be alone and i went to the library, but wherever i go are shadows of zehzhanyu, the newspaper corner where we use to read together in the library and he always read faster than me. Luckily, i found a Sophie Kinsella's novel and a Bazaar magazine, these are the girly things i needed to keep me occupied later in the night, and i borrowed it. Then taking the usual route home seems so tough and painful too, "Would you please stop your shadow for following me?" i mentally shouted. It's no use... i pluck in Mp3 and just continue to walk home.
Bathed, cried in the bathroom as usual... the best place to wail all i want without letting people know. Immediately, i went online, this tiny heart of mine, so full of hope... to see maybe his e-card? A testimonial in friendster? An e-mail? Or a blog entry dedicated to me? Maybe.... saying.. "Waiwai, I'll be home really soon, please wait for me and take care of yourself for the time being, i love you. yours truly, zehzhanyu". I really needed this remedy, soothes my heart ache, frustrations of the day. I could read it hundred times tonight just to have a sweet dream later. But, it never happen, none of it happen... he doesn't do all these sweet lil things anymore, maybe... he changed too. I can't believe I'm crying now, again...
Its just so.... tough to change... I'm really trying... it's only the fourth day, I KEPT TELLING MYSELF I CAN DO IT THOUSAND TIMES A DAY, =( please hang on there linghui... i have to. I'm glad that this blog is now private, it's my only place to confide in, so comfortably now. I need zehzhanyu so badly and he doesn't know that, i don't want him to know either...
Continue to jiayou, tohlinghui. (:
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